Some days....

Some days are better than others. some days are harder than usuals. some days are slightly more challenging then normal days... and that day was yesterday.

It started off ok. just like any other day. we got up, got Aidan ready for school, went down for breakfast, got in the car, drove Aidan to school, went to the Post Office, and then i came back home. spoke to mum on the phone. and by lunch time, fetched Aidan back from school. after that, i find it hard to breathe. i couldnt take a full breath. there was like these needles, loads of needles poking me in my tummy and waist and my chest was very tight. it then got worse. i felt the pain when i caugh, when i sneeze and even when i laugh.

Hardy called during his transit at Brussels Airport from Milan. i told him of my condition. he was rushing to catch his next plane to Birmingham and i could hear him being worried. of course i didnt want to make him worry even more, i woudnt want to be a cry-baby. i then put up a brave voice, and let the stronger side, the positive side prevail.

After dinner, it got really bad. the pain was more intense. Aidan was already asleep by that time, so i continued replying most of my mails and comments. but by that time, it was unbareable. i took a few asprins and tried to lie down on the bed. but it was such a struggle even to lie down. i couldnt move, the pain then spread to the back of my right shoulder. i then began to sweat and felt hopeless. i was trying to think of what might be the cause but just couldnt even bother coz the pain was really getting to me. Hardy rang as soon as he reached Birmingham, and not only that i was in pain, i was in tears as well. i just couldnt take it. i finally broke down. and that's when he said, " i'll catch the next plane back home."

I was tired, sleepy and in pain. my son was asleep and my husband's away. i'm pretty sure everyone of our friends were asleep too. i struggled the night and somehow i managed to shut my tired eyes. waking up almost 4 times during the night. Aidan's napping now, but i dont sleep during the day. so tonight, i am in need of quality rest and sleep.

This is the thing with me, i am at times very stubborn, i think of too many people and too much. i said no to Hardy wanting to call me a doctor, i said no to Hardy wanting to call our friends and neighbours, i said no to Hardy coming home early, and this morning, i said no to Hardy asking me to go to our doctor. all with multiple reasons as to why i didnt want to.

I then told myself, if i can pull off a 24 hour labour, i should be able to pull THIS off! i just had to be strong coz Aidan needs me when he wakes up. i kept praying for the pain to go away.

Being away, far far away from people whom you trust and love is not really nice. we have a great life here, syukur, we do. we have wonderful friends (maybe not many but the ones that we have are good wonderful people) and lovely, beautiful, caring neighbours. most of my friends back home kept telling me - isnt it wonderful to be away from hectic Malaysia, away from gossips, away from those busybodies who talk about you and always comparing you with others (especially with my past!), it must be nice to live away from it all.

I kept saying, " it is nice, yes. but always, there's a price to pay with almost everything. God is fair." it sometimes can suck! big time! missing warung saga's nasi ayam goreng, tip top's ikan bakar, halal burger king... and just take last night for example! but without having to go through pain, there wouldnt be brighter days.

At the time of pain, i wished Hardy was next to me, i wished Mum and Dad were here, i wish Kakak and Redza were here, and i really wish Dr. Chng, our family doctor in JB were here (i wish i could trust the dutch doctors, i have had bad experiences with them and lost almost all my confidence in the dutch medical profession).

I am now feeling much much better. still hurts when i try to take deep breaths. but not as bad as yesterday. Hardy's coming home in a short while, cant wait! i normally cook something up when he comes home, but i dont think i'll be doing so this time (i wish warung saga is just around the corner), but i hope he's still looking forward to coming home minus the food!

It was just one of those days...(i hope...). so there you go guys, shows that you just cant have it all... be grateful, always.

Z