Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Some days....

Some days are better than others. some days are harder than usuals. some days are slightly more challenging then normal days... and that day was yesterday.

It started off ok. just like any other day. we got up, got Aidan ready for school, went down for breakfast, got in the car, drove Aidan to school, went to the Post Office, and then i came back home. spoke to mum on the phone. and by lunch time, fetched Aidan back from school. after that, i find it hard to breathe. i couldnt take a full breath. there was like these needles, loads of needles poking me in my tummy and waist and my chest was very tight. it then got worse. i felt the pain when i caugh, when i sneeze and even when i laugh.

Hardy called during his transit at Brussels Airport from Milan. i told him of my condition. he was rushing to catch his next plane to Birmingham and i could hear him being worried. of course i didnt want to make him worry even more, i woudnt want to be a cry-baby. i then put up a brave voice, and let the stronger side, the positive side prevail.

After dinner, it got really bad. the pain was more intense. Aidan was already asleep by that time, so i continued replying most of my mails and comments. but by that time, it was unbareable. i took a few asprins and tried to lie down on the bed. but it was such a struggle even to lie down. i couldnt move, the pain then spread to the back of my right shoulder. i then began to sweat and felt hopeless. i was trying to think of what might be the cause but just couldnt even bother coz the pain was really getting to me. Hardy rang as soon as he reached Birmingham, and not only that i was in pain, i was in tears as well. i just couldnt take it. i finally broke down. and that's when he said, " i'll catch the next plane back home."

I was tired, sleepy and in pain. my son was asleep and my husband's away. i'm pretty sure everyone of our friends were asleep too. i struggled the night and somehow i managed to shut my tired eyes. waking up almost 4 times during the night. Aidan's napping now, but i dont sleep during the day. so tonight, i am in need of quality rest and sleep.

This is the thing with me, i am at times very stubborn, i think of too many people and too much. i said no to Hardy wanting to call me a doctor, i said no to Hardy wanting to call our friends and neighbours, i said no to Hardy coming home early, and this morning, i said no to Hardy asking me to go to our doctor. all with multiple reasons as to why i didnt want to.

I then told myself, if i can pull off a 24 hour labour, i should be able to pull THIS off! i just had to be strong coz Aidan needs me when he wakes up. i kept praying for the pain to go away.

Being away, far far away from people whom you trust and love is not really nice. we have a great life here, syukur, we do. we have wonderful friends (maybe not many but the ones that we have are good wonderful people) and lovely, beautiful, caring neighbours. most of my friends back home kept telling me - isnt it wonderful to be away from hectic Malaysia, away from gossips, away from those busybodies who talk about you and always comparing you with others (especially with my past!), it must be nice to live away from it all.

I kept saying, " it is nice, yes. but always, there's a price to pay with almost everything. God is fair." it sometimes can suck! big time! missing warung saga's nasi ayam goreng, tip top's ikan bakar, halal burger king... and just take last night for example! but without having to go through pain, there wouldnt be brighter days.

At the time of pain, i wished Hardy was next to me, i wished Mum and Dad were here, i wish Kakak and Redza were here, and i really wish Dr. Chng, our family doctor in JB were here (i wish i could trust the dutch doctors, i have had bad experiences with them and lost almost all my confidence in the dutch medical profession).

I am now feeling much much better. still hurts when i try to take deep breaths. but not as bad as yesterday. Hardy's coming home in a short while, cant wait! i normally cook something up when he comes home, but i dont think i'll be doing so this time (i wish warung saga is just around the corner), but i hope he's still looking forward to coming home minus the food!

It was just one of those days...(i hope...). so there you go guys, shows that you just cant have it all... be grateful, always.



VioletSky said...

Zaza, let others take care of you when you need it. Remember, it makes them feel useful, closer to you, and generally helpful. Hope you are feeling better every hour.

Milkberry said...

hello zaza, i hope you feel better. hmmm you know maybe you should go to a doctor, just in case. i know that you think it's good to put up a front but sometimes you just have to let others take care of you as well :)

i'm in no position to say because i have no idea what kind of pain you're having but it sounds kind of worrying.

and i know what u mean about the doctors. japanese doctors aren't really the ones i'd come running to and i try to avoid them at all costs but i know, in the end, i have to go to them at one point.

so maybe, even though they suck or you just downright hate them, you should just go. this might be serious, or it might be nothing but then at least you'll know right?

sorry i can't help but i really hope you'll recover (and go to the doctor). hehe.

nina said...

oh no zaza, i can imagine how it felt, but next time pls pls let hardy make the emergency call to neighbours, friends, or anyone that can help as u r surrounded by good nice loving ppl there.. u never know what will happen next kan.. .. my worry kan, not only u tau, aidan too.. i tell u next time when we chat why i beg u to let hardy get help for u ok...

now, my doa is for u to recover soon, and all the pain will be gone soon.. i pernah kena cam tu, but dr kata due to stress that i was not aware.. well...i thot i ni bionic woman kan, semua nak buat..

zuraida said...

zaza, i think i know how you feel when hardy is not around, parents are far away & aidan is too small to understand your situation.

next time do let hardy make the necessary arrangement. Bila tak ada orang sekeliling & you don't know what will happen next, pls let others to help you. Nasib baik tak pengsan @ become worst. Kalau pengsan & no body knows - what will happen to you & Aidan as well? I think Aidan will cry & cry... & we wouldn't know what will happen next..

zaza, i know you are a very strong women, but sometimes please let others to help/do it for you - selalukan zaza cakap cam ni pada k.zue. K.zue terus nangis masa baca blog zaza, cian zaza.

Take care ok & miss you!!

Theta said...


Hope you are feeling much better today. Just take plenty of rest, lying down and breathe deeply.

Please ask for help when you need it.

I pray all is well at your side of the world.

k.ct said...

adik zaza..

pls..dun try to be a 'superwoman' ok.u need a gud rest la sure Hardy wil b soo very worry when his loving mama bear sakit cam ni.
these r d reason y we nd to be friendly with ppl around us esp.our neighbours.Betul kata k.zue,i wus thinking on Aidan oso.What happen to him eh if let say u fall ke..fainted ke..cant imagine whats goin to happen to Aidan tau (u better teach him how to call emergency numbers za...hahahaha..).
As always,my doa wil always with u za..

hey..take care ok!


hi zaza,
sedehnya, i hope you're doing ok by now. i totally understand your feeling being lonely, homesick and especially tired when u have to do the chores alone. sebenarnya penat tu boleh overcome tapi homesick tu yang buat kita vulnerable.. kalau kena time sakit and homesick mmg rasa macam end of the world.. masa i pregnant second baby baru sampai sini i was very fragile. selalu nangis.. hehe.. dengan perut besar and i have to take care a naughty toddler. somedays memang rasa sedeh because u are all alone missing your family. coming from a very close family only god knows how much i miss my sisters and my parents (oh warung saga and singgah selalu too!!). hang in there sis.. take care.. oh.. makan banyak2 supplements, berroca is great!, vit c, simpan banyak2 pain killers.. ibuprofen/ aspirin/ paracetamol banyak2.. hahah.. doctor kat sini pon takleh pakai lah.. everytime i see them when im sick they will tell me "drink a lot of water". takpernah prescribe ubat pon. dia tak tahu aku minom air macam hippo! skarang ni i dah immune dengan kepenatan and kesakitan sorang2 so i will be a junkie when im sick to stay alive for my children.. demam menggigil2 pon anak and laki kena bagi makan jugak.. tu sebab lah ibu yang baik dapat ganjaran syurga.. :).. my advice.. DRUG ON!!!

Anonymous said...

Zaza, I wish you a speedy recovery but I also wish for you to confirm that everything is indeed ok via a medical practitioner. Really don't mean to sound grim but it is better to be safe than sorry. You take care ok. TWxx

IbuHaziq said...

hey there,

hope you're feeling better.pls...pls go c the doctor just to be on the safe side ok.u have to be healthy coz aidan needs you...your hubby too....take care ok :)

Anonymous said...

dear zaza,
please dik let the doc take a look at you. i understand as a mother sometimes we just pass it off as a normal thing in hopes that it will go off and we can be brave and strong to carry on with whatever we were doing. once in a while give in and let others take care of you, k? any decision u make, you must first remember that aidan n hardy needs u, healthy and well. you won't be able to take care of your loved ones if you're not well sayang. k.sha doa za cepat baik n sihat selalu.....take care....remember....we're only humans......
Love K.Shasha

Anonymous said...

Hi Zaza! Hope you feel better. I also had a very nasty experience with a Dutch doctor. Take care!
Love, Melvis.

I Cook4Fun said...

Zaza, how are you feeling? Hope you are getting better. I felt the same way too on my moody days. Being so far away from home, family and friends is never easy. Hope Hardy is with you and please see a doctor so you will feel better. Take care my dear.

mº¿ºsh, brecht & nora said...

Dear Zaza, i hope by the time u read my comment, u will feel much much better. Like what the rest of your commentors said - go see the doctor, if not for yourself, do it for Aidan & Hardy. Health is wealth Zaza, dont take it for granted babe, you hv a little one that is depending on you, thus u hv to stay strong and stable for him kan? I hope u go see the docs and find out what went wrong and if its nothing to something u should take actions against.

Big hugs from your friends in Belgium, take care ya. Mush

Anonymous said...

Lepas baca blog Adek kita semua rasa macam nak terbang itu jam jugak. Next time please dont treat it lightly ok. Alhamdullillah, Hardy is back and the doctor is around to come over. Hardy and Aidan would love to see 'Mama' healthy and well, betul tak? So do take care, take your supplements regularly, sleep early and dont neglect your meals, ok. We know you want to be a perfect wife and mother, but your body now tells you that you cant have them all. Please look after your health ok. We'll be there soon, insya'Allah.

comey_lote said...

how are u now?hope u are better n already knew what was the cause. i was worried abt u n aidan...yes we just knew each other and never met but i can't bear to hear people sick or in pain!+ a toddler to handle! u take care and i wish u speedy recovery

Anonymous said...

hi za, hope you are recovering well. felt sad to hear/read abt your condition. it's all due to s-t-r-e-s-s. and i think all mothers have gone through the same too. it just makes it horrible for you that you are alone facing it. kesian. besides keeping your self busy with crafts, neighbours and maybe err times of sadness, loneliness and even tireness, berdoa and solat lah banyak2. there are some doas too to fend off stress and sadness. i can't remember them off hand. nnt i cari kan:) anyway, someone once told me, 'soon this too shall pass'.. i have been on this mantra whenever i had my share of ugly monsters. and do hope your episode of stress wont be plagueing you and you'll successfully manage it ya. be strong. take care. yaya

Ms eNVy said...

Hi Zaza .. I do hope tht you are feeling better now .. should check with your doctor as to what is wrong .. anyways praying for a speedy recovery .. *warm hugs*

Anonymous said...

hello zaza,

i hope you are okay now and feeling much take care...


VioletSky said...

zaza, I'm back. And still concerned about you. I keep checking in to see if you've written that you have heeded all our best thoughts and advice to please see a doctor - there must be at least one good one out there. Hope you are well and that you found out it was nothing too serious.