Wednesday, 16 January 2008


Before Hardy and i got married, he mentioned that one day, he dreams of going to Mecca with me.

Today's Hardy's final day of working in Riyadh. the original plan was for him to come back straight from Riyadh. but he decided to take make a change to his original plans, take a detour to Jeddah and from there, go to Mecca to perform his Umrah. so he'll be coming home a day later, on Friday.

Excited, thrilled, glad, happy, thankful that he got this chance. but at the same time, me being me, i worry. i remembered asking him "how are you gonna get to mekkah?" he said "i'll find my way around, get on a bus, or a cab or something, dont worry". those words made me worry even more, since there wasnt any proper, solid arrangements. he saw me frowning and said, "i'll ask them (his friends in Riyadh) to arrange and help me, shouldnt be any problem, i'm sure there's tonnes of people heading the same direction". i then straight away said "you know, one of my relative went to mekkah and didnt come back!". Hardy being Hardy, he continued teasing me.

I called up my cousin, who works a lot in Saudi and knows his way around there to help me out. almost crying out to him telling that i was worried. as kind and as generous of a person that he always is, he offered Hardy help and send out some of his contacts. comforting. 60% relieved. as usual with our telephone conversations, we laughed and joked about it but his last words hit me. it hit me home. before we ended the phone conversation, he said " Za, jangan risau, Hardy nak buat benda baik, Tuhan sentiasa lindung orang yang nak buat benda baik."

Thank god we were on the phone, if he was to be right infront of me, i wouldnt know where to put myself, duck my head or probably hide under the table. i felt embarrased. for not remembering Him. it made me realize more that we should remember Him, always have faith in Him, as He knows what's best and will always show us the way. how could i ever doubt Him. and why must i worry too much!

I was privillaged. i performed my Umrah when i was 18. there were 3 families, my uncle's, the Ajibs and my family. i wasnt ready back then. not to mention the flights we had to endure before we finally get there (LHR-KL-JB-KL-JED), all in 2 days. i didnt take it seriously. i didnt grab the opportunity with both my two hands, with my soul and full heartedly. back then, i enjoyed shopping in Mecca more, back then i enjoyed looking at the camels more, back then i enjoyed the food more. how silly. but i rememberd my experience. it was only towards the end of it all that i felt close to Him. how i wish i can be with my husband, making the most of Umrah now that i'm wiser. i hope we get to go there again, as a family.

1 week without Hardy. 1 week handling Aidan alone (i wonder how those single parents do it sometimes), 1 week of no serious cooking (my neighbour John said i lost weight!), 1 week of going to bed at half past 10, no later, 1 week of handling errands myself with Aidan tagging along (sending car for repairs, groceries, monthly trip for Aidan's check ups, going to post office etc), and most importantly, 1 week of some serious bonding with Aidan.

What this had done to me was i've bonded more with Aidan. i feel like i love him even more. he's my best friend, my son, my pride and my joy, my son and of course the reason for my backaches, but still i love him more and more. and lately, when we're alone, i cry when he smiles back, i cry when he kisses me, i cry when i look at him sleeping, i cry when he calls out pa-pa-pa-pa.

But despite my cengeng-ness, i'm much calmer, i can handle things my own, i'm a little bit more independent, i dare to drive long distance without Hardy, i have more faith in myself, and i'm making more with what i have. i guess there's a reason for everything. perhaps its about time i should be more confident, perhaps its about time i bond more with Aidan.

2 more days. just 2 more days till Hardy comes home! insyaallah, his dreams of going to Mecca will come true tomorrow. and his dreams of going to Mecca with me will come true one day.

What i prayed for in Mecca some 12 years ago came true. thought he'd never come. took slightly longer though, but it came true! alhamdulillah. (H, if you're reading this before you leave, have a safe journey, make the best of it, we love and we miss you loads, and cant wait for you to come home).

Thank you A.Yob, thank you so so much for all your help and assistance. we love and we miss everyone back home.



Wiz said...

Z dearest,
My husbd used to take jemaah from M'sia to Mekah, it was his job. He had to go twice a year and every single time when he had to board the trip I would break down in pieces. It wasn't so much of being left alone and managing everything, he would be gone for almost 3 weeks at a time, but the sentences he would use before he left that made me cry. He 'd say something like this.."I am all in white now. I'm going to see Him and if he lets me I would come back to you but if he doesn't I am already in white." He then asked for my forgiveness and of course I was in flood of tears then. Alhamdulillah, he always returns home safe and sound with bountiful of stories to share. And in one of those trips I managed to tag along and being with him doing umrah together was the perfect honeymoon anyone could ever asked for.

Yes Z, Hardy nak buat perkara yang suci, let's wish him well and be happy for him and let's dua for his safe return.

Cat Cat said...

A big accomplishment for Hardy to perform Haj in Mecca... Congrats to him... Don't worry, he will be fine...

Anonymous said...

Insh'Allah. Yr cousin is "perfectly" correct. May Allah guide and assist him in doing his Umrah. By the way, will he be visiting Medinah as well? He can do it in a day by catching the Saudi Air flight from Jeddah to Medinah and back. A few hours in Medinah should be adequate to visit Prophet Mohamad's maqam and pray at Masjid Nabawi. Nevertheless,he can do it on the next visit to Riyadh, hopefully.
Best of everything to you and Aidan.

Ummi said...

Zaza, May your wish come true to perform umrah with your loved ones.

It takes a lot of courage to be independent, glad that you manage to go thru it.

toughcookie said...

take care, girl.

missing someone you love must be the best feeling ever. it ain't that great cos no one likes doing things alone but i guess at the end of the day, you both cherish each other more.

he's so sweet la talking about tunaikan haji with you. hmmm... i don't think most of us ever have such a conversation until prolly we are much older nanti kot?? hmmm....

mº¿ºsh, brecht & nora said...

Dear Zaza, i am envious of Hardy now, u too, u both hv seen Mecca. InsyaAllah hopefully someday we get to see it up close & personal too. I am sure all of this is a blessing Z. Kita doakan for his safe return to his beloved wife and son = ) I am glad the week acting out as a single mum, gv u the opportunity to be closer to Aidan and get to know him even more! U r one brave women Z! Hugs xx

Anonymous said...

za and's a privilege to get to perform umrah and more so hajj. and even luckier to perform masa muda2 mcm sekarang while we are still strong and healthy. May your life will always be blessed from thereon. And zaza looking after aidan as hardy went off to umrah, satu ibadah juga. am sure things are simplified and not as complicated during this course if you looked back one day. you'll be looked after by Him too. so don't you worryy za. Hugs, yaya.

Ms eNVy said...

May your wish someday come true Z :) My dearest & I are still waiting to have tht privilege to perform the umrah & hajj .. InsyAllah maybe someday :)

On being a single mom for a week ? ..well been there .. and done tht .. never like doing it though but it does bring me closer to all of my kids :) Take care and have a great week

k.ct said...

zaza boleh!!

Aidan's Mama & Papa said...

wiz: your husband is very lucky to get to go to mekah twice a year wiz! and what a honeymoon for you guys, the best anyone could ever wish for! how touching and sad to read his words. i know i would cry teresak esak if i were you! but seriously, how fortunate you get to go to mekah together!

cat: he performed a small haj. its called umrah. hopefully we'll get to perform our haj together during the haj season one of these years!

anonymous: he didnt get to visit madinah. he had only 8 hours before his flight to zurich-brussels. insyaallah next time when we go there together. Madinah was indeed beautiful. to me it is somewhat much more calmer and less hectic than mekkah. and masjid nabawi was a beauty. they onced opened their dome while we were praying. i can never forget my experience in madinah. thank you so much for your best wishes to us!

ummi: insyaallah, i really hope it will come true. i would love to bring the whole family for umrah if not haj. i pray that everyone will get there one day too, insyaallah.

toughcookie & her bump: how is it going my dear? have you been well? i hope you're not doing much of travelling these days as you really need to take care of yourself. and we dont want you to be all sad missing the boys esp acat! you of all people would probably know best of how one would feel when one's away kan?

we seriously hope that we can perform our umrah if not haj together. insyaallah. we're already old la dear, thats why we talk about umrah and mekkah!!!

you keep well and ask acat to kiss your tummy for me!

mush: i hope and pray eveyrone will get to see mekkah and madinah one day. thank you for your prayers dear. being single, and a single mum is not much fun. lucky b tak payah go on long distance trips eh? if so, just come here k?

yaya: he performed his umrah aja ya. and yes, alhamdulillah, the 8 hours in transit before catching the flight to zurich and then brussels allowed him to perform his umrah and did his part.
i never look at it as taking care of aidan while hardy goes for umrarh as an ibadat. thank you for pointing it out to me. and true enough, everything went well, aidan didnt make a fuss at all. and it was all very pleasant. i had a good one week when hardy's away!

ms envy: thank you dear. i hope and wish you the same as well.
how did you manage being a single mum for that duration? i'm sure yo're not ceng-eng as i am. i cried and cried when he left and continued crying on the phone. how terrible was that!
i cant get to your blog ms envy. looking forward to reading and getting to know more about you. you have a good week, or what's left out of it, since this is already thursday! take care!

k.ct: ternyata boleh. cuma takot ngan tak de confidence aja. hehe


Ms eNVy said...

Z: was ceng eng .. and much worse :) anyways *off topic* here .. don't know why you couldn't read my blog .. must be something wrong with the url ? anyways have a nice week! :)